a cocktail of moral outrage and selfish relief
When things don’t go my way, it’s very tempting to play the victim. It’s the most comfortable state of mind I can possibly inhabit when facing adversity or uncertainty. That’s exactly why it’s so important to be aware of this pattern in myself.
For all of us, things rarely go exactly as we want them to. Maybe your career isn’t as engaging as you’d like it to be, or maybe you’re not having the impact you hoped you would. Or maybe your house isn’t as big as you’d like. Or maybe you share a home with someone who doesn’t live in the exact same way you do. How do you respond?
The victim mentality allows you to absolve yourself of all responsibility. Financial troubles? Blame those pesky immigrants who are taking all the jobs. Family troubles? Everyone else is broken, it’s all their fault. Lonely? Distracted all the time? Grr… these damn smartphones ruined everything! Earth’s climate is changing? Those dang oil companies keep polluting. I mean, none of the responsibility for any of this could possibly be on your end, right?
Now, don’t get me wrong. There really are unfair situations, and there really are victims. But except for tragic situations of true abuse, most challenges arise from a combination of factors. And you almost certainly have the power to influence some of them. Disempowering yourself makes the issue easy to ignore, but it also prevents you from doing your part.
When I look closely at my own struggles, often the choice to take action seems way harder and more complicated than simply playing the victim. These are the times where I’m most susceptible to the captivating illusion that there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s so tempting to just blame someone else, wipe my hands clean, and move on with my life.
If the victim mentality was just a simple coping mechanism, it would be no problem. But unfortunately it’s not so harmless. By definition, it requires you find a villain to blame. It guides you to oversimplify a situation, and to assassinate the character of specific individuals or organizations. It makes effective, cooperative action toward realistic solutions much less possible.
You see this pattern everywhere. It’s there when Don Cherry blames people for a world that has changed without him. It’s there when we forget that Donald Trump is not only a problem, but also a symptom. It’s there when we blame our loved ones for our own negative mental states. And yes, it’s there when attention activists jump at the chance to demonize tech CEOs as evil tyrants.
In my line of work, that last example is something I see a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending corporate executives here. But it’s easy to blame an individual without acknowledging the complex system dynamics involved. Sure, big tech CEOs are profiting from the exploitative attention economy. But the situation has arisen from many factors: capitalism, our shared cult of self-obsession, the unpredictability of exponential technology, the moral ambiguity of intentionally influencing others… the list goes on.
Many of today’s pressing issues are nuanced systemic quagmires that demand creative, collaborative solutions. These wicked problems do not benefit from pointing fingers and painting villains. They demand systems thinking. The ‘us versus them’ mentality only paralyzes our ability to take action. Take climate change as another example. We have no chance without collaboration and open dialogue across borders. International accords may not be perfect, but they’re at least one example of how we might put national interests aside to address planetary issues. Oil companies and other establishment organizations are certainly contributing to the pollution, but we’re still driving cars and taking flights. It’s a systemic issue.
Whether we’re talking about your personal relationships, your political views, your armchair economic theories, or your ideas about different groups of people, try your best to resist the captivating temptation to play the victim. True villains are rare. When I catch myself pointing fingers, I try to zoom out and ask myself three key questions. First, how might I be oversimplifying this complex situation? Second, what do I know for sure about the intentions and actions of this so-called villain? Third, what action can I take to have a real impact, however small it may be?
This pattern of victims and villains is so painfully human. I can mindfully watch it unfold in myself. When my energy and motivation are low, and conflict arises, I start to feel uncomfortable. If I don’t have the time or energy to process my emotions, let alone take effective action, what do I do? I find a villain, accuse them of causing the problem, deem myself powerless to stop it, and sip a bittersweet cocktail of moral outrage and selfish relief. Works like a charm.
Whether that villain I’m blaming is an influential leader in society who I’ll never meet, or whether it’s someone close to me, I’ve essentially placated myself by closing the door to real progress. I’ve pushed people away, sabotaging any efforts to actually resolve the issue or collaborate on a solution. I’ve contributed to the polarization of the issue and have taken steps toward becoming part of the problem.
On the other hand, if I can embrace the discomfort, acknowledge the uncertainty, and open up to the nuance of the issue at hand, I become part of the solution. I empower myself and others involved to bring diverse voices to the table to collaborate and compromise.
It’s time to quit the blame game. Your family conflict isn’t going to go away if you keep blaming everyone else. We won’t address climate change as selfish nation-states. The attention economy is not going to change without tech leaders at the table. Don’t push them away. Invite them in.
Jay Vidyarthi