be worthy of mimicry
As momentous as it was when our son took his first steps and said his first words, the subtle things he picks up on are just as mind-blowing. He’s not even 2 yet, and he says things like “what’s up”, “see ya”, and “aw jeez”. He grabs his mum’s toothbrush, pretends to brush his teeth, and clears his throat in the exact way she does. He even pretends to cook pasta with a measuring cup and make tea with a set of coloured blocks.
The little guy is a sponge. He’s picking up on so much more than we think. It’s a lot of responsibility. It’s also a wellspring of motivation. No matter what we might tell him, he is going to become as we are, not as we say he should be. He’s not going to copy how I tell him I should be, either. He’s going to copy how I am. If I try to fake it, he’ll learn to fake it too. I have to become the person I want him to be.
Sometimes he flips his plate and dumps all his food on the ground. It’s very frustrating, especially if it’s a meal we painstakingly made for him. When he does it, he’s deeply aware of my reaction in the moment. I can see his mischievous eyes watching me.
If I get angry or frustrated, he notices. If I let those emotions overwhelm me, he gets overwhelmed, too. If I pretend not to notice, he starts throwing more food, toppling his cup over, and finding other ways to push my buttons. My only option is to be the kind of person who can immediately forgive him. I try to remind myself that it’s not his fault. He still has 23 years to go before he has a fully developed frontal lobe, after all.
So the next time he flips his plate, I do what the parenting books advise. I catch his hand and calmly tell him with a smile, “I’m not gonna let you dump your food.” Sometimes, he doesn’t respond. But sometimes, he looks at me and immediately calms down. He feels safe and reassured in the boundary I’ve set.
It hits me like a ton of bricks: boundaries aren’t inherently judgmental. Boundaries can be set with calm and care. They can be an act of love. Little Oliver may not always like boundaries, but he needs them. So do I.
My son is teaching me how to kindly set limits, and I’m starting to apply the lesson to my workload, relationships, tech use, and even my diet. For example, we’ve been baking a lot of tasty treats through this lockdown, and my natural habit is to strictly limit how many I eat with shame and guilt. It rarely works.
But when I set limits for myself calmly and with self-care - the same way I’m learning to do with my son - it feels a lot less oppressive. I can enjoy the limit, paying attention to how good it feels to show restraint, and how bad it feels to overindulge. I fully enjoy my one cookie when I know it’s the only one I’m going to have. And if I really want another one, or another three, I can just eat more, and forgive myself immediately.
We often invite our friends and loved ones to indulge with love, so why can’t I be my own friend? Have another cookie, Jay.
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Just before this second lockdown here in Toronto, we were considering daycares for Oliver, and one of them had a phrase I still can’t get out of my head. Each teacher at that school strives to “be a person worthy of mimicry”. I think that’s beautiful. It acknowledges something profound about what it is to be a parent, too. And also what it is to be a leader.
If 2020 has taught us anything, it has reminded us how important leadership really is. Of course, we could talk all day long about the science and regulations around this pandemic: aerosol droplets, masks, shutdowns, social distancing, and the like. But so much of what’s really going on is beyond research and policy. Our behaviour is deeply shaped by social and cultural factors, too. Our leaders set the tone.
The individual human beings who lead our nation-states are figureheads of vast empires. Beyond their policies and administrations, we can also discuss the public attitude they’re taking toward this pandemic. We can notice how often they address the public, what tone they take, their emotional posture, and who they’re inviting to share the spotlight.
I am honestly quite surprised by how important this is. If you’d asked me in 2019, I would have rolled my eyes about a leader’s tone. I would have said that policy is infinitely more important. But this year, I’m not so sure. I see how politicians, celebrities, executives, and influencers are also defining our lives in their way of being. I see many people mimicking their leaders’ stance on all this.
The effect is heightened by the internet, where so many of us are consistently exposed to the same, smaller group of influencers. It’s also heightened by lockdown, where we get much less exposure to how our neighbours are handling things, and even more exposure to the media.
So, is this pandemic a serious public health crisis? Or is it an overblown, hyper-sensationalized media trend? Or is it a conspiracy? In case I have to say it: it is definitely a serious public health crisis. And yes, I do have to say it. Because many leaders aren’t taking a serious enough tone, leaving a lot of space for individuals to ignore it and spread misinformation.
Whatever their policies, having a leader show humility to the threat matters. Having them take an emotional tone which reflects the gravity of the situation goes a long way. It’s not enough - making good choices is obviously critical - but it matters more than I thought.
Whether you’re a parent, in charge of a team, leading an organization, or a public figure, part of your job is to carry yourself in a way that embodies how we all need to carry ourselves. Your choices and words are only part of the story. How you make those choices and say those words will telegraph so much more. Others will pick up on those subtleties and naturally internalize them, just as my son does with mine.
If people depend on you, try to become how you think they should be. Yes, you need to be competent. You need to make great choices. But you also need to be a person worth mimicking. Leadership is not only a responsibility to others, but also a brilliant motivation to work on yourself.