how to hang with neurodivergent kids
Tips to help you find a way into the challenging and beautiful worlds of youth who differ from the norm.
As a reframe, neurodiversity sheds light on the multi-faceted spectrum of humanity. It’s clear that the world needs all kinds of people. Still, raising a neurodivergent kid is quite the adventure. Ours is 6 now and he consumes every ounce of energy we have, and then some.
We’re understanding him more every day, but still, when we see other well-adjusted kids becoming independent, making friends, and so on, it’s easy to wonder what the hell we’ve been doing so wrong. Recently we’ve found online community with parents of neurodivergent kids (DM me if you need this), and it has been extremely validating to connect with others in the same boat.
I’ve also been surprised to hear clear patterns in how much all of our extended families, friends, and guests struggle to connect with our kids. So if you ever find yourself visiting with a young kid who you know (or suspect) might be on the spectrum with differences in attention, emotional regulation, sensory processing, language, or learning, I hope these tips help you find a way into their unique, challenging, and beautiful worlds.
1 - Drop the power struggle and don’t treat them like they’re “spoiled.”
Accommodating the unique needs of a neurodivergent child can feel overly permissive. The kid might look entitled and selfish due to their extreme need for control and priority. In reality, the child has self-regulation challenges and a lack of executive function that prevents them from fitting into social norms.
Parenting these kids requires a constant vigilance of their nervous system. Over time, those of us who spend every day with them develop a sixth sense for when they need to be challenged and when they need to be accommodated. If you don’t spend enough time with them to have that sixth sense, I recommend you simply accommodate as much as possible.
Regular caregivers will find the right time to challenge and build their skills, grounded in the trust and rapport they’ve gradually built from day to day. As an occasional visitor, you don’t have that rapport. Your job is to simply build their trust, have fun, and help them feel safe.
So drop the power struggle, and let them have the control and agency they seek. Let go of the teasing and sarcasm if they don’t get the joke. Opt for kindness. Even if it feels like you’re being too permissive, you’re not. You’re being a trustworthy friend to someone who has a hard time forming relationships.
2 - Follow their lead instead of asking questions and making demands.
This one applies to all kids, but especially to neurodivergent kids, and especially especially if they are sensitive to demands. These kids don’t give a lot of weight to hierarchy and they don’t like being told what to do by anyone. It poses a huge problem for caregivers, but as a guest, I recommend you simply follow their attention instead of trying to redirect it.
Many adults instinctually engage with kids by asking them questions, issuing commands, or inviting them to perform:
“How’s school going?”
“What’s your favourite game?”
“Can you show me your room?”
“Can you count to 10?”
“Why don’t you sing me a song?”
This kinda forced redirection is anathema for neurodivergent kids. At best, they’ll ignore you. At worst… well, let’s not go there, because we don’t have to. Better to quietly observe them and notice where their attention is already going. Take a moment to dedicate your own attention in the same direction and cultivate a lot of curiosity:
“Whoa, I love the ladder on that firetruck”
“That dress is so shiny!”
“Your lego structure is so complex”
“I used to love airplanes when I was a kid, too.”
“This boss battle looks super tricky.”
Notice these are not questions; they are declarative statements. You’re demanding nothing of the kid, just sharing a thought. You can even do this without speaking, for example, if the kid is playing with cars, silently grab another car and park it beside theirs just to see what happens.
These kids are like a force of nature. Making demands of them can feel like asking the weather to do as you say. On the other hand, if you observe and follow their lead, you’ll get a glimpse into their imagination and they’ll take you to beautiful and surprising places.
As you build their trust, they just might ask you mind-bending questions that reveal the unique way they see the world. Here’s an example from my son: “Daddy, you know how you said people at Nintendo made the Kirby games? Who made the world?”
3 - Don’t assume they have the same ability level in different areas.
One of the thing that makes neurodivergent kids hard to understand is their “spiky” profile. This refers to the fact they might be more advanced than their peers in some areas, and less developed in others. Another great word for this is “twice-exceptional”, referring to how their different strengths and weaknesses create two separate exceptions compared to neurotypical peers.
We often find guests and visitors struggle with this when interacting with our son. It’s confusing, so we get why. It still confuses us sometimes, too. On one hand, he’s asking questions about the nature of reality, playing chess, coding, and formulating complex sentences. On the other hand, he needs help putting on his clothes, and I have to spoon-feed him more often than not.
Once I remember feeling super confused about why I still had to wipe his butt while he was rattling off exponents—”ten-to-the-three is a thousand, ten-to-the-six is a million, ten-to-the-nine is a billion…” One of the best ways I’ve heard this described is that for these kids, “hard things are easy, and easy things are hard”.
Just because a kid is advanced in math, doesn’t mean they can regulate their emotions. Just because a kid is nonverbal, doesn’t mean they won’t be highly interested in complex puzzles. Just because a kid speaks in full sentences, doesn’t mean they can hold a pencil properly. Let go of expectations and trust your observations (and ask their caregivers for insight).
4 - A meltdown is not a tantrum; give them care, not discipline.
A ‘tantrum’ is when a kid starts intentionally being mean, screaming, hitting, throwing things, etc. because they aren’t getting what they want. We’re tempted to discipline them in such moments, taking the opportunity to set clear boundaries and teach them a lesson.
A ‘meltdown’ looks very similar, but it’s different. When a neurodivergent kid gets overwhelmed, their nervous system gets dysregulated and they start to lose control. It might look like their overreacting, but to them, the sound of the blender might be akin to torture, or the fact that things happened in the wrong order might feel like an existential threat.
In these cases, they’re not choosing to make bad choices, they simply can’t help it. This is why punishing meltdowns doesn’t make sense. In fact, it just makes everything harder. A dysregulated nervous system needs care, not discipline.
That care looks very different for different kids, so it will be hard for you to be genuinely helpful in the moment unless you spend time with this kid every day. If you see a meltdown and you’re not sure what to do, just give them space and time.
If caregivers are around, know that we’re used to it. Just hang back and give us a bit of room to handle it. Don’t try to help unless you truly know how to handle neurodivergence, and certainly don’t try to punish the kid yourself or make passive aggressive comments. If you really want to help out, let regular caregivers handle the kid and support in some other way.
If no one else is around and you’re forced to deal with a meltdown yourself, first look inward. Take a breath and let go of any hard feelings you might have toward the poor kiddo. In other words, assume it’s a meltdown, not a tantrum. From there, offer support and comfort, not punishment. Don’t make it a battle. Just give them what they want where possible, along with a bit of space, and wait it out.
Bonus - Caregivers are living in a minefield!
What would your life be like if you lived on a minefield? Well, you’d watch your step. But over time, you’d learn and develop a sense of where those mines are. You’d develop all kinds of new, subtle habits to avoid their triggers. This is what it feels like for caregivers of the neurodivergent. We’re constantly monitoring ourselves, other people, and seemingly-neutral environments to avoid explosions.
It’s exhausting.
When you visit our homes or see us in the wild, cut us some slack. If you see the kid being whisked away for quiet time, or with an iPad at a restaurant, or going completely undisciplined for some act of misbehaviour, before you judge us, remember: it might be an accommodation to save the child (and you) from an explosive outburst.
We sure have ruined many parties, but we’ve learned a lot of hard lessons, too. We’re trying not let this prevent us from leaving the house.
Many of these kids are socially challenged. It’s important to remember that—by definition—you only ever see the child in social situations, so you have a very skewed perspective of what they’re actually like. Some get way more activated and lose control when other people are around, others mask completely and may seem completely typical only to melt down completely when you leave.
It’s important to remember that—by definition—you only ever see the child in social situations, so you have a very skewed perspective of what they’re actually like.
Neurodivergence is not a problem in and of itself; the “disorder” stems from an incompatibility with systems, social norms, and cultures designed mostly for the typical. It will take time for that to change, but you can help by meeting them where they are.
By no means do I have it all figured out, so if you have other relevant tips to share from your own experience, leave them in the comments to strengthen this resource for any parent who shares it with an upcoming guest.
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This is a really great article, Jay! Thanks so much for writing it. It’s a big help 🙏🏻