stop on a dime
Raising a kid these days is weird. Even if you don’t have one, you can probably imagine how overwhelming it is in today’s world. My little guy is only 3, but technology’s role in his life is already a constant negotiation. Can’t imagine what it’ll be like in 2037.
Parents all over the world are thinking about how to help kids navigate the attention economy. It’s not an easy task, especially considering we struggle with it ourselves.
Some parents lock their kids out altogether. No phones, no tablets, no TV. That never felt right to me. My job as a daddy is to make sure my kid’s prepared for the world, and there’s no doubt in my mind he’ll need to be fluent with tech.
Some parents place no limits on their children’s tech use. They sit back while their kids explore every nook and cranny of our collective internet mind. This strategy also doesn’t feel right to me. Even my 3 year old lands on some pretty questionable stuff after an hour with YouTube.
So, surprise surprise, we need moderation. But how do you moderate something so engaging? Imagine asking a kid to eat only one bite of a fudge brownie and leave the rest on the table? Imagine doing that yourself? It’s a constant struggle, especially at the end of a long, exhausting day.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers here, but I do think I’ve stumbled on something useful. As you might imagine, I do a lot of experimentation in my own life on what a healthy relationship with tech might look like.
These days, I’m trying to master disengagement in the moment. So less rules and structure, and more mindful noticing of when enough is enough. I try to stay aware of my body posture and the feeling in my eyes when I’m on a screen. I want to detect the exact moment when it’s time to turn it off and disengage immediately. No debate. Just stop on a dime.
Some days, 5 minutes is too much for my mind to handle. A few weeks ago I showed up at my desk on Monday morning and within 15 minutes I knew I had to cancel my whole day. Other days I can stay present with a lot more screen time and still be in balance. As long as I can stay aware of the line and when I’ve crossed it, I can find balance without too much structure.
That doesn’t mean I abandon structure altogether. It’s still useful to design my environment to support my awareness. I have a meditation bell that hijacks our TV speakers at 10pm every night. If I’m watching something late, the audio stops abruptly and gets replaced with a singing bowl. Aren’t you glad you don’t live with me?
Anyway, when the bell goes off, I practice not punishing myself. I take the opportunity to intentionally decide if I truly want to keep watching, or if I’ve had enough. It’s not a rigid rule, just a moment of awareness. This moment of intentional choice is the key skill we’re trying to teach our 3 year old.
Here’s how: we tell our kid he only gets 30 minutes of screen time a day. We have him set a timer himself before he watches anything. We also have a secret understanding that we’re actually okay with 60 minutes, because we know he will often protest this authoritarian parental regime, and we think that’s okay.
But here’s the key: we never, ever turn the TV off on him. It is an absolute rule that he must always turn it off himself. So when the timer goes off, he pleads, he complains, we negotiate and discuss. He gets extra time, and we’re okay with that. But in the end, it is always he who must press the power button.
It’s working well. Sometimes he surprises by just turning it off himself without any timer or conversation. I’m growing less concerned about whether he watches 45 mins or 90 mins. All that matters to me is that he makes the intentional choice. That’s the skill we’re training him on, the same one I’m training myself on: sensing when it’s been too long and doing something about it.